Living with Ambiguity
Perhaps the most difficult part of the last two years has been “not knowing.” The ambiguity of the situation, when might it end, when would life begin to go back to normal…all of this has been very difficult. Listening to NPR recently I learned of a book which has really helped me understand and deal with this.
The book is The Myth of Closure: Ambiguous Loss in a Time of Pandemic and Change by Pauline Boss, PHD.
The book on Amazon
The author talks about this ambiguity in many helpful ways, including the difficulty of not ever getting “closure” with things. Many have lost loved ones but have not been able to go through our society’s normal rituals at these times. She calls this “Ambiguous Loss,” a term I found very appealing once I understood it fully.
One of the main points of the book is that closure is not a real thing. Instead we find a way to live in “The Paradox of Absence and Presence.” When we lose someone or something, they are always with us while at the same time they are gone. I found this comforting.
Dr. Boss also addresses political upheaval and social / racial issues in the book in a way that helped me understand what is going on right now. She writes:
The cause of our anxiety now is not our weakness but rather the tumultuous environment around us, with multiple crises — medical, social, economic, and racial — all happening at the same time, all life threatening and seriously urgent. Such a context understandably heightens human anxiety, depression, and anger.
If you, like me, have been struggling to get context for this moment in time, I recommend that you read this book. I found it comforting and calming. It’s a difficult time. I always feel better when I can make the world around me make sense in some way. Even in the midst of such tumult, I have been able to feel better about the world and this moment by understanding these concepts she presents.
She also gives me hope that even as I grieve the loss of things I used to love which I can no longer do (or enjoy in the same way), I also have the ability to move forward and build a different happy life. Many people have done this is all kinds of difficult situations, so I can also. So can you.
When will our activity fully be back to the old normal? We cannot know, and likely it never will. We all need tools to adopt to these changes and find ways to grieve and also accept the situation. But we can find a way to thrive and find joy even in this newness.
It may baffle me how someone could refuse to wear a mask to take care of someone else, or be unable to see their white privilege, or even storm the Capitol. The concept of “ambiguous loss” and the difficulty of this moment of change have given me a framework for this which I find very helpful. We will all get through this, and we can all find new ways to build a great life.
Tim Hinton
January 13, 2022
